So I have come to realize......

After several days of almost over thinking the issue, coupled with the advice of a few good friends, I have come to the ultimate conclusion that i must cut Eric loose for awhile. I mean it really sucks, forcing distance between yourself and a new best friend whom you've decided to crush major on lol. I feel bad because I realize that while yes, Eric seems rather flaky sometimes .... I realize that I MYSELF am probably the one who is causing all of this. I am sending my mixed signals just as much as he may or may not be. The whole situation kinda sucks because I have made the foolish decision to allow my lust and my uncontrollable feelings to interfere with what could possibly be a very fulfilling lifelong friendship. But I have learned from past experience (Mike) just how this situation probably will end. My biggest fear is that Eric and I will no longer be speaking, that if and when we do speak it will just be awkward, and a perfectly good friendship will have fizzled away into nothing because im just like every other guy out there - looking to get whats his. However, I feel that if I don't take immediate action in regards to the situation, that will ultimately be the inevitable.
So for right now i suppose the best thing to do would be to just distance ourselves. I suppose I can just loose myself in my studies and my jobs. I'm kind of on the fence on whether or not I should pick up a part time one night a week bartenders job, but i feel that I will end up doing it anyway. I must also just keep my chin up and realize that there is nothing between he and I other than a friendship. Making this statement I suppose means I must continue my quest for love .... without him. I must also back out of these summer plans to move in together. I think Im going to have to run away to New York City this summer, like I had previously told him I was going to do. I think it will give me the escape I need and the momentum needed to actually board the plane. I feel that I have been giving the move more and more serious thought and that if I actually go through with it, it will be a great experience. After all, adventure is what being young is all about, right? Good Night America.

Funny Thing about Updates....

So i have decided to update myself on some previous posts. Lets start with fucker .... er matt. After a few weeks of animosity, I have gotten over my hurt pride, and have allowed what has turned into a really great friendship to blossom. He is my first truly platonic gay friend and i have to say i am pretty grateful for the guy. I am glad that he and i remained friends because well it has just turned out for the best. Funny how that sorta stuff works out lol. So ah, sorry for calling you a fucker so many times matt lol.
As far as Devin is concerned ..... after so many months i decided i would email him again to say hi. we chatted for awhile ( he remembered who i was ) and then abrubtly got off of im. i was looking at his yahoo profile and saw some posts he had made earlier the same year. Much to my horror, i discovered the little fucker was only 14! he was lying and portraying himself as an 18 year old male on the dating website we met on. i was lost somewhere between horror, embarrassment, wanting to vomit, and downright hostility. i sent him a shitty email and havnt heard from him since. HA! goodnight america.

Chyea ... this is gonna hurt.

So ah, chyea its been a while ....... funny I should say "chyea" rather than yea. It involves the "new guy". I'll never forget the first time I saw him. He was the handsome, dark haired, mysterious one who decided to sit next to me on the first day of classes at Ball State in the fall of '09. At first he gave off a very cold vibe. It was obvious to me that he had no real enthusiasm to be there. It was at that point I made the decision to get him to be enthused .... because thats just how I am. As it turned out, about a week of noticing him from my perpheral vision, we were assigned as partners, merely because we sat next to one another. At first it was a little awkward, as being FORCED to talk to anybody can be. So I decided to hang out with him. One day, as we got up to leave, i invited him with me on a trip to wal-mart. Much to my surprise, he responded with his infamoaus response "chyea". We ended up hanging out for the rest of the day. We went and got dinner. As the days passed, we found our friendship becoming stronger and stronger. We were workout buddies, playmates, best friends. I didnt know if he was gay or not, but at that point it was too early in the game to care either way. It wasn't untill I brought him to a party at my friends place for the first time when I told him I was gay. We had fun! He and I both did our first keg stand that night. Then i got really hammered and figured that I would tell him what was up. At first he didnt believe me. But Im pretty sure he asked a few people at the party and finally he responded with "dude i had no idea." He would later tell me that he didnt care, and that I was his best friend at school. With my coming out came what i had a slight feeling about the whole time ..... he told me he was straight. At first I shrugged it off, only with minute disapointment .... you know the kind of disapointment you feel when the pizza you had been waiting on for almost an hour came wrong but you were gonna eat the shit anyway? But as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, i really began to dig him. We still hung out all the same, and he even held my hand a few times. I told myself over and over agian that i wouldnt let myself fall for him but i truely saw and admired the wonderful person he was inside. i sent him a drunk text over thanksgiving break telling him that i needed some time and space because i was beginning to care too much. He was completely confused by this and I had to spell out exactly how i felt. He reminded me further that we were only friends nothing more nothing less. i got shitty about it and didnt want to see him anymore. When we returned from break, i couldnt bring myself to talk to him for the first two days in class and he knew it. after two days of awkwardness, i finally swallowed my pride and began to talk to him again. We returned to our old ways like nothing happened .... closer in many aspects. Its now christmas break and im back feeling shitty towards him. i offered to drive hime home (damn near seven hours out of my way) and left the same night. His parents offered to put me up for the night and feed me dinner but I graciously declinded because he said NOTHING about it and i wasnt going to stay unless i felt he wanted me to ..... and because he didnt offer it up himself, i figured i wasnt gong to fuck with it. UGHGHG im soooo over this. He also wants me to move in with him. I was hammered when i said yes but im pretty sure its not going to happen. I am serious when I say the distance is coming. And i will be damned if it will make my heart grow fonder. Good night America.

Fucking Asshole.

So I have been at BSU for just over two weeks now, and I met who I thought might be the one for me ...... This fucker named Matt. However I will only refer to him as fucker for the extent of this blog. He and I hung out, I took this fucker to parties, showed him a good time and then I ask him out and he laughs at me and says no!!!!! So I was bitchin about him to my good friend Troy, who says that I should still be his friend and that it would not be fair if I quit talking to him. My whole thing is, this dude rejected me sooooooooooooo fuck him. He can go hang out with his other friends and find someone else to party with and find someone else to buy him drinks at the bar because it aint about to be me. I deleted him off facebook, and I have no desire to see him. All I know, is that I will continue to work out and lift weights and I will just be me ..... the good person that I am. I dont give a fuck about this fucker or what he thinks or says, and he WILL want me someday. But I am planning on quiting smoking so I dont have to ever see him. Fuck him! Then he has the audasity to text me and say that hes gay but not into me and that hes sorry? What the Fuck? why even send the fuckin text!?! Dont patronize me you fucker. Goodnight America!

Getting Ready For School

So with just over two weeks left before I leave for Ball State, I ave to say that I am beginning to feel those little butterflies in which I remember from years ago on my first day of kindergarten. With money issues abundant, I must first discover a way to but my books. With the decision of obtaining a private room this year, there came a price. $2,000 more. So I must rely on my savings/ credit card to help me on through. I still have yet to decide whether or not I will be bringing my Jeep to school this year or not. Also, this upcoming Friday, I will be boarding a plane for New York to see my sister again. I am not sure how smoothly this trip will go, because the last time she and I had spoke, I told her that I was gay. Soooooo, I am hoping she will be at least happy to see me again. Not much else to report ..... the online dating is still kind of slow, (sort of) but needless to say it must take a back seat to my current issues (work and school). Good Night America!

Hard Times ..... Writing for Release

So ah yeah ..... not much to report in the dating world other than Devin still shows no apparent interest in talking to me anymore ..... so I guess I am done with him. I have been talking to this guy named Eric, but he lives in Dallas and I find him to be a bit irritating so I'm not sure where to go with that one. But my dating issues seem to be the worst of my troubles anymore. Money is the biggest problem .... Vincennes is 100% willing to stall on my transcripts to BSU for a lousy 126 fucking dollars ..... so i need to get that squared away soon. I want a car but I cant afford one. I cant sleep and I am overweight. I just cant really seem to get up and exercise. All this coupled with my dating troubles has really got me feeling down today. Good, night America.

Getting even worse .....

So I think I need to delete Devin's profile from my mingle 2 account. I don't want to seem rude, but for some reason I cant seem to stop looking at his profile. He's been on all night and my mind keeps going to the fact that hes been on talking to someone else..... and it hurts. I've been talking to this boy from Dallas Texas named Eric, but for some reason he doesn't seem nearly as exciting as Devin. IDK!! Good night America.